Darkness is nothing but the absence of light

Hello again! I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. Everyone, please forgive me :) I'll attempt to update you on some of the goings-on of my life recently.

It's amazing how little stressors can quietly build on one another, oftentimes unnoticed, until they culminate and overwhelm. I hadn't realized how many minor setbacks and life quandaries were eating away at me for quite some time until I finally felt my world start caving in. Many weeks ago, I began to feel overwhelmed and distressed, but I couldn't name the root of my emotional downward turn. I grasped for answers, defining a few obvious stressors, but I couldn't explain my sorrow. As someone who likes to feel in control, someone who likes to try and explain why things happen (and explain my emotions), the fact that I couldn't pinpoint my problem only exacerbated my anxiety and unhappiness; lovely, a self-sustaining cycle of sadness. It became clear that I needed time for reflection and a break from my inexplicably dreary world.

After speaking with the family and with my family, I was fortunate to find a way to go home for a vacation. A week later, I flew to Orlando, where Erica and Mom were at the Youth America Grand Prix. It was amazing - even though I've lived in the US for about 22 of my almost 23 years, I experienced some reverse culture shock even on the plane back in the forms of a very loud northern woman and my seemingly huge coke can. Mom, Erica, and Ms Valeria picked me up from the airport, at which point I was closing in on being awake for 24 hours. Needless to say, I was tired.

After our brief stint in Orlando, we visited with Oma and Mom's family for a couple of days and flew home. Surprisingly, my anticipation built as we passed over the Smokies. I had been in the States for a few days, but I finally felt like I was nearing home. Not since I was eight years old flying to Tennessee to house-hunt with my parents had I objectively marveled at the region's natural beauty. I was excited to be in Tennessee, whence I had many times vowed to one day escape. (Yes, I just said "whence"...you all knew I was a nerd, don't act surprised). Anyway, it was so nice to be home in my favorite house in the world, able to air my worries with my family. I really needed that suspension from my current life (and, by extension, France) to face my stress and figure out how to handle it. I definitely gained some perspective in being gone, but I'm not going to try and put into words why I felt unhappy and lost. The truth is, I don't know, exactly. I would imagine that part of it had to do with the stress of living abroad and incurring change after change, having to constantly unconsciously adapt, but I believe that was only a small part of my vague but crippling problem. Fortunately, I was able to turn things around, and I know that I can attribute my newfound resolve to: reading "The Shack," lots of prayer and reflection, taking steps toward figuring out what I want in life, researching my options, starting with this summer when I return to the States, and my family's unyielding support.

Though I'm "back on track" in some sense, I've also realized that this track is not going to lead where I think it will or be otherwise predictable. When I went home, I also realized how different my world has and will have become. Friendships and relationships that I thought were immune to change will have greatly evolved. The economic crisis is making job choices slim, thus potentially modifying my plans. In relationships, so much depends on location and accessibility, and I don't know where I'll be or what I'll ultimately be doing. Thus, I can't even predict with whom I'll be spending the majority of my time. Though I know it intellectually, I have trouble accepting that I can't expect everything in life to fall in line with my ideas of how my life should be. I can't remember a single time or event that has unfolded exactly as I imagined, yet I still cling to this notion that I can somehow know what to anticipate. At the same time, I've had some amazing experiences that I've not been able to predict. In fact, most of the time, my reality turns out better than that which I'd drummed up on my own. Thus, my attempted focus right now is on preparing myself for (not worrying about) the future but, importantly, on enjoying my present. Have faith, Adriana.

Conclusions: I still don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm taking things one step at a time (contact me if you want to know more about these steps and current plans), and I'm trying to accept that I only have so much control over my life. Pray for me!